Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Law & Order: Special Barry Bonds Unit

Reading that numerous names such as the Giambi brothers were going to be testifying in court for the Barry Bonds trial, I figured I'd take matters into my own hands and give myself something to write voraciously about.

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."


Alright, let's be honest. We all knew he lied. Even pathological liars knew he lied or said he didn't lie (pick whichever one makes more sense to you).

We can all say that it's not easy being green and that it's good to be the king. Being a rookie sucks and being a king of something is the ultimate goal for just about anyone. However, there's always a right way and a wrong way to go about things. It's one thing to have real talent but another thing to cheat and enhance yourself synthetically. My dad always said "cheaters never win." He also said some other wise things, but they have nothing else to do with this post, so I'll just move on. Sports are a contest of skill, talent, wisdom, and even wit. Enhancing performance "not the right way" never got anyone anywhere. It gives you records, but crime doesn't pay--especially when you make the biggest, fattest, acne-covered lie about it.

For those who don't really know how it actually started and why it's beginning now, I'll help jog your memory, since God only knows that Bonds himself can't jog as fast (and as long) as I can when it comes to remembering stuff. Alright, I'll stop with the subliminal fat jokes.


-- 2003 - BALCO Scandal - Bonds' personal trainer Greg Anderson was indicted for supplying anabolic steroids to numerous professional athletes, including Bonds. In order to beat drug tests, Bonds was "unknowingly given" a clear cream that was supposedly a form of flaxseed oil and balm that would treat aching joints. In defense, Bonds stated that the reason why he showed an increase in physical size was due to a change in diet/supplements and bodybuilding.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the "Little Barry" from the 90's [photo from ESPN.com], and "Biiiiig Barry" from the 2000's [photo from BET Blogs]:


Bodybuilding, my patoot. Strict dieting does not make your face blow up. End of aside.

-- 2006 - LIES! - As time progressed, investigations began concerning whether Bonds lied about knowing he had taken steroids, and whether these allegations were kept under the covers by teammates, various players, and even family. Meanwhile, Bonds was getting bonuses, breaking records, and making even the best pitchers feel inferior. Later on, a leaked news report from New York stated that he had tested positive for ampthetamines. Regardless, he went on to become home run king and play an additional year of baseball.

-- 2007 - Starting Rotation - In November of 2007, Bonds was indicted on numerous accounts of perjury. Many of the failed drug test papers were either hidden or skewed, and practically all media hell broke loose. This began the long process of creating a trial, a jury, and getting all of the other business together. Note guys, three years are going to pass now.


Of course, since there's the not-so-funny "roid rage" concepts, such as the goofy stories of him having mistresses and they were being threatened with death and the usual stuff. Then you also get the baseball players coming out of the woodwork going, "Hey! He shot stuff up his you-know-where!--And I was giving him the shots, too!" It's getting ridiculous. Yes, he lied. No, we don't need the whole world to say it. We have the whole MLB season coming up. He's not playing anymore, so we don't need to put up with the fact that he pretty much tainted the sport because he wanted more money and he wanted to be better and more valuable than anyone else. Let's start on a clean slate and let him dig his own six-foot-deep hole.

I know this is an obvious and possibly stupid question, but why exactly did it take about three years to finally get the show on the road? It shouldn't matter whether there are technicalities or not. He slipped through the system, openly lied and pointed fingers at other players, and practically became the poster child of the still ongoing steroid-abuse scandal. He, along with several other players in that era, verbally and physically urinated on the baseball diamond, and the air of competition is thicker than pea soup because of the high standard of playing and ridiculous amount of "fitness" of players today. It's giving upcoming players false pretenses because they think they have to train and act like titans in order to get a high draft spot.

Without doubt, Bonds will be facing jail time and have his records revoked. Hey Bud, is that going to happen? Please? Okay.
Finally, I need to get this out: When you mess with the sports gods, they're going to mess with your family, your friends, your paycheck, your endorsements, and your reproductive organs.